Hello, and welcome to my journal! Just a few things to know before reading.

First, all dates will be in DD/MM/YY format. I know, I'm American and I'm not from outside of the USA. But it makes more sense to me. Second, all journal entries will be categorized (at the footer) by year, and the newest entries will be on the bottom of this page.

I will be as open as I want to be, or be as vague as I want to be. The choice to read these entries are yours. However, I recommend you are at least 17+.

Anxiety of the Familiar Kind.

Emphasis on "familiar"...

I woke up with anxiety about an hour before my alarm went off. I didn't know what it was. Looking back on it now, I think I do.

My body was late in catching up with the present. I was scared that my Uber wouldn't arrive on time and I wouldn't have a ride to work. Then I was scared that I lost my nametag. Then I was scared that I'd arrive to the driver's ed late because I would only have less than 2 hours to get there after work.

My driver's ed class is tomorrow on Friday. I left my nametag on the kitchen table. I was told to cancel the Uber because [I] wanted to take me to work.. which surprised me, not gonna lie.

I'm still scared to drive. Hella scared. But now that I'm pushing past that fear, it's like all of the terrible feelings stored in my body have come out of hiding. Because I'm going against the internal script of my existence, which is everything I built in childhood to protect myself.

I'm scared. But instead of being scared and choosing to ignore it, I actually do something about it. I fumble along the way, but overall... I'm becoming the person I want to be instead of following an outdated script. My old patterns still come out and I have days that I just get through on autopilot. But I feel closer to my self when I meditate.

I'm scared of my own power because I know I'm capable of doing everything I want to. That power was always there. And now that I'm believing and working with it, my body either struggles to keep up or shuts down.

The Sun Shines Again.

Who knew?

When I woke up, I decided that I would take the day slowly.

Of course, I felt the anxiety for today's final test and compelled to study all day. But that's not me. I know that I'm passing the class. Albeit, just over 80%... But I know that I will pass. I won't break myself down and allow the anxiety to ruin me.

It's only 10:25. I have plenty of time to study and have time for my hobbies that fulfill me.

...Well, I just got back home and it's 20:35. My average wasn't what I wanted it to be, but I passed the course.

Now I wait for a phone call to schedule the driving portion of the course.

I was so scared in that classroom, thinking that I wouldn't pass. But a part of me knew that I would. It didn't help that my stomach was messed up for about half of the class.

As I'm typing this, I feel so tired. Fatigued. I think I'll read and/or watch YouTube. Today wasn't a bad day at all.

Scratch that, I just realized I somehow accidentally deleted my entry from yesterday. Fucking hell.

Starting Over.

The inevitable.

I've neglected pretty much all of my hobbies again.

I want to be consistent with doing them. But something always gets in the way.

I think it's about my perfectionism again and receiving feedback. It's painful to see what you've done wrong over and over again. It hurts and makes me doubt if I'm actually learning.

The video I'm watching gave me the idea of rewriting some of my affirmations to include my trauma.

I'm not where I want to be and there are a lot of things that I need to address to myself. I don't think it's possible for me not to integrate my inner child and trauma into my life.

Learning is a slow process and my mind expects me to know things already. "How do I not know how to do this? It's so simple. I should've learned this years ago. Why did I not correct myself earlier? Why did I let these careless mistakes fly by? They think you're stupid for this." Blah, blah, blah...

I respect, love, and care about myself. Not in the same way [E] and [I] did. Their criticisms still echo from time to time, but I know those criticisms aren't mine. I don't own them, and that's enough.

Unlike them, I am aware of these things and will be integrating them into everything I do. I will be giving myself everything I didn't as a child and more because I deserve it. The only person who can give it to me is myself now.

They failed. But it doesn't mean that I have to fail myself.

Are you okay?

Not really...

I jump into conclusions waaayy too easily and they overwhelm me. How am I supposed to deal with them?

I was told at work that I "suck at responding" to text messages. The person is around my age and we usually joke around quite a bit. They also said "I still can't believe that you're [20-something]."

My mind jumped to interpeting that as how much of a terrible person I am. An absolutely terrible, wrong, and awful person. My mind also interpreted their comment about my age as how immature I am, that I don't act my age.

I almost cried while cleaning... When it really wasn't that deep. But it hurt deeply.

I already knew that I suck at responding. But somehow, it hurts worse when it comes from someone else. It feels like someone has figured me out. The comment about my age made it worse.

I guess this is the price I must pay for being myself. I'm not invisible anymore. Truth be told, I never was. But by remaining silent, I could uphold that facade. Everyone would like me because I caused no problems. But it was hurting me deep inside. Like something was slowly dying inside.

I know now, in practice, that I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I have my flaws. But believing that I'm an awful person for that just isn't true. I can work on being more responsive. But "acting" my age just isn't something that can be done. I am myself, and that's all I can be.

I know they didn't mean any harm by what they said. Again, my mind just jumps to conclusions easily. Especially about things that I'm insecure about.

I just happen to be older than that coworker. Big deal. All I can do is be myself, and that's enough for me.

Calm.

What I need more than ever.

It's been a little bit, but I'm satisfied with the progress that I'm making.

Usually, I would procrastinate with starting my day. I'd be scrolling on my phone, watching YouTube, etc...

I still scroll sometimes, but it's manageable. I always do a meditation before starting my day because I wake up with negative thoughts for how much I'll have to get done. It used to scare me from getting anything done.

Today, I did some driving practice and I'm quite proud for how much progress I've made. I drove on the road for the first time. Not very far, but still a big feat from just practicing in the parking lot.

I don't know how to celebrate this achievement. I'm sure I'll figure it out at some point.

I'm capable of doing everything I want to. That power was always there. And now that I'm believing and working with it, my body is starting to keep up.

You deserve the gift of Change.

You owe it to yourself...

It's been a while and a lot has happened. 2025 doesn't hold back.. No, I've stopped holding back.

I no longer have a best friend. I poured out my messy imperfect human heart over a situation that hurt the both of us, and it was rejected.

I was met with; "If that’s how you feel then that is how you feel.
I am grateful for our many years of friendship and love but I feel like it is time for our friendship to come to a close.
Thank you for everything and I wish the best for you and your future ❤️"

Nothing else. At the time, I was desperate to decipher what she meant. I asked questions, provided some clarity.. But I've learned that she doesn't have the capacity to care about me. She doesn't want to meet me in the middle. She doesn't want to resolve anything. She's given up. She's done.

It was bound to happen, anyway. Hurt people hurt people. Not intentionally nor maliciously. I'm growing up, and that means I'm growing out of the mask that was molded in childhood out of survival.

Not everyone is going to love me for who I am, support who I'm becoming, nor the mistakes I will make along this journey. And I definitely cannot make anyone do that. I have to do that for myself.

All I can do is accept responsibility for my part and love myself anyways.

I will make more friends. I will maintain healthy and open communication. I will be vulnerable and I will push through my distortions. I owe it to myself. Especially for what I went through as a teen. No one deserves to suffer in silence. No one deserves to believe that their existence is a burden. Everyone deserves community.

That friendship has taught me that some people don't want to find common ground. They don't want to look beyond their own pain. You're either wrong or right. No nuances in-between. Their love for you is in the same tight-fitted box they have for themselves. No room for growth, mistakes, nor complexities.

People who want to protect you means they have assumed an authoritative position. They're "just looking out for you", right? Who wouldn't want that? Well.. It wasn't for me. Your need to protect me stems from your helplessness and need for control. Because without it, you're powerless. And that exposes a deep wound within you. Because you believe the hypotheticals. Not the reality. Not me. I don't need protection. I need guidance and support.

What I won't do is blame myself for other people's actions. They are always in control of that. All I can do is accept responsibility for what I've done, do better, and continue to heal; with or without them. I deserve to. I've suffered through so much mentally. Anxiety, distortions, low self-esteem, depression, etc.

I was hurting back then. So. Very. Much. I thought she would also understand, but of course not. Everyone's issues look different. Some of them are invisible and self-destructive. Still, no excuse to ask; "why didn't you just ask me for help? I would've helped you." Not only is that loaded with blame, but a certain kind of awareness is needed to be able to ask for help. I also didn't feel safe asking for help at the time.

Moving forward, I'm no longer believing in "best friends." I will treat all of my friends with so much love, care, and attention. Everything that I've already given to myself. No more hierarchies. It's unhealthy. I am my own best friend. I also won't be using my present judgement to judge my past-day awareness. "Could" and "would" doesn't exist. I choose to focus on what is and what was. Nothing else.