Hello, and welcome to my journal! Just a few things to know before reading.

First, all dates will be in DD/MM/YY format. I know, I'm American and I'm not from outside of the USA. But it makes more sense to me. Second, all journal entries will be categorized (at the footer) by year, and the newest entries will be on the bottom of this page.

I will be as open as I want to be, or be as vague as I want to be. The choice to read these entries are yours. However, I recommend you are at least 17+.

Anxiety of the Familiar Kind.

Emphasis on "familiar"...

I woke up with anxiety about an hour before my alarm went off. I didn't know what it was. Looking back on it now, I think I do.

My body was late in catching up with the present. I was scared that my Uber wouldn't arrive on time and I wouldn't have a ride to work. Then I was scared that I lost my nametag. Then I was scared that I'd arrive to the driver's ed late because I would only have less than 2 hours to get there after work.

My driver's ed class is tomorrow on Friday. I left my nametag on the kitchen table. I was told to cancel the Uber because [I] wanted to take me to work.. which surprised me, not gonna lie.

I'm still scared to drive. Hella scared. But now that I'm pushing past that fear, it's like all of the terrible feelings stored in my body have come out of hiding. Because I'm going against the internal script of my existence, which is everything I built in childhood to protect myself.

I'm scared. But instead of being scared and choosing to ignore it, I actually do something about it. I fumble along the way, but overall... I'm becoming the person I want to be instead of following an outdated script. My old patterns still come out and I have days that I just get through on autopilot. But I feel closer to my self when I meditate.

I'm scared of my own power because I know I'm capable of doing everything I want to. That power was always there. And now that I'm believing and working with it, my body either struggles to keep up or shuts down.

The Sun Shines Again.

Who knew?

When I woke up, I decided that I would take the day slowly.

Of course, I felt the anxiety for today's final test and compelled to study all day. But that's not me. I know that I'm passing the class. Albeit, just over 80%... But I know that I will pass. I won't break myself down and allow the anxiety to ruin me.

It's only 10:25. I have plenty of time to study and have time for my hobbies that fulfill me.

...Well, I just got back home and it's 20:35. My average wasn't what I wanted it to be, but I passed the course.

Now I wait for a phone call to schedule the driving portion of the course.

I was so scared in that classroom, thinking that I wouldn't pass. But a part of me knew that I would. It didn't help that my stomach was messed up for about half of the class.

As I'm typing this, I feel so tired. Fatigued. I think I'll read and/or watch YouTube. Today wasn't a bad day at all.

Scratch that, I just realized I somehow accidentally deleted my entry from yesterday. Fucking hell.

Starting Over.

The inevitable.

I've neglected pretty much all of my hobbies again.

I want to be consistent with doing them. But something always gets in the way.

I think it's about my perfectionism again and receiving feedback. It's painful to see what you've done wrong over and over again. It hurts and makes me doubt if I'm actually learning.

The video I'm watching gave me the idea of rewriting some of my affirmations to include my trauma.

I'm not where I want to be and there are a lot of things that I need to address to myself. I don't think it's possible for me not to integrate my inner child and trauma into my life.

Learning is a slow process and my mind expects me to know things already. "How do I not know how to do this? It's so simple. I should've learned this years ago. Why did I not correct myself earlier? Why did I let these careless mistakes fly by? They think you're stupid for this." Blah, blah, blah...

I respect, love, and care about myself. Not in the same way [E] and [I] did. Their criticisms still echo from time to time, but I know those criticisms aren't mine. I don't own them, and that's enough.

Unlike them, I am aware of these things and will be integrating them into everything I do. I will be giving myself everything I didn't as a child and more because I deserve it. The only person who can give it to me is myself now.

They failed. But it doesn't mean that I have to fail myself.

Are you okay?

Not really...

I jump into conclusions waaayy too easily and they overwhelm me. How am I supposed to deal with them?

I was told at work that I "suck at responding" to text messages. The person is around my age and we usually joke around quite a bit. They also said "I still can't believe that you're [20-something]."

My mind jumped to interpeting that as how much of a terrible person I am. An absolutely terrible, wrong, and awful person. My mind also interpreted their comment about my age as how immature I am, that I don't act my age.

I almost cried while cleaning... When it really wasn't that deep. But it hurt deeply.

I already knew that I suck at responding. But somehow, it hurts worse when it comes from someone else. It feels like someone has figured me out. The comment about my age made it worse.

I guess this is the price I must pay for being myself. I'm not invisible anymore. Truth be told, I never was. But by remaining silent, I could uphold that facade. Everyone would like me because I caused no problems. But it was hurting me deep inside. Like something was slowly dying inside.

I know now, in practice, that I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I have my flaws. But believing that I'm an awful person for that just isn't true. I can work on being more responsive. But "acting" my age just isn't something that can be done. I am myself, and that's all I can be.

I know they didn't mean any harm by what they said. Again, my mind just jumps to conclusions easily. Especially about things that I'm insecure about.

I just happen to be older than that coworker. Big deal. All I can do is be myself, and that's enough for me.

Calm.

What I need more than ever.

It's been a little bit, but I'm satisfied with the progress that I'm making.

Usually, I would procrastinate with starting my day. I'd be scrolling on my phone, watching YouTube, etc...

I still scroll sometimes, but it's manageable. I always do a meditation before starting my day because I wake up with negative thoughts for how much I'll have to get done. It used to scare me from getting anything done.

Today, I did some driving practice and I'm quite proud for how much progress I've made. I drove on the road for the first time. Not very far, but still a big feat from just practicing in the parking lot.

I don't know how to celebrate this achievement. I'm sure I'll figure it out at some point.

I'm capable of doing everything I want to. That power was always there. And now that I'm believing and working with it, my body is starting to keep up.